So it's the equinox A day of rebirth, beauty and renewal. It's a day to release your anger and ego and materialistic views. Already I've let go of a rage that had boiled inside of me this morning. All it took was the soulful words a friend had written to the general public. I can breath again without feeling like I was choking on my anger and resentment and this holiday is turning out to be a good one after all.
Have a blessed Ostara and a happy Spring Equinox! I pray this new season stop the weather from being all wonky all over the country (usa) Lol! I guess we'll have to wait and see what Mother Nature has planned for us. ;)
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Is "love" even worth it?
Nope. I guess if you believe in it, it might be, but I stopped believing in love a long time ago. It just doesn't exist if you think about things realistically. I believe in Paternal Love, in Affection and Lust. Those three are a given. I believe in Obsession and in Dependency
But "true love"?
Nope, that's just something you read about in stories or see in movies. My parents aren't in love, my dad just feels more affection towards my mom than she does for him. They both admit they aren't happy, I'm just waiting for divorce to come up. Just the thought rips me apart inside, but it's inevitable.
My grandparents on both sides only stay together out of dependency and habit at this point, there's no longer even affection. My aunts and uncle and cousins are all divorced and constantly jumping from person to person. Even super religious people that I know have had problems that included manipulation and adultery. I've grown up in a world where marriage is just something you do because it sounds fun, divorce isn't a big deal and it's fine if 80% of the children in my extended family are constantly passed around from mom to dad and back again. There's no love there.
Once, I wrote down 100 reasons why relationships are a bad idea. I got almost every single idea from watching my parents or my younger sister, who has jumped on the marriage bandwagon and will be a wife this year at some point. I can look back on my list and still agree with everything that I wrote. Love doesn't exist, i think, is my first reason.
So, I dunno why I wrote all of this, I guess I needed to vent. My dad just told my mom he hasn't been happy in a long time, and I know she's upset about it, but she's not an affectionate person and is very opinionated and somewhat aggressive in her views , so I know she wont be able to fix it. And my dad tries, I know that he does try to make this sham work, but every hug or kiss he gives her, she shies away from. The other day he told her that he loved her, and she said "yeah".
That's not love. I can't blame it all on my mom, my dad's very hard to live with. He's dramatic and over emotional, they just don't mesh. The only reason they stayed together and considered marriage was because my mom got pregnant with me. I know that, we all do, but she denies it over and over again. I wish she would be honest.
So. There we go. "Love" isn't real, so it isn't worth it. I'm not going to try, I don't accept dates and I don't plan on ever doing so. Marriage is out of the question now and forever, so all I can do is try to move out on my own and depend on myself to make me happy. Because no one else is ever going to be able to do it.
But "true love"?
Nope, that's just something you read about in stories or see in movies. My parents aren't in love, my dad just feels more affection towards my mom than she does for him. They both admit they aren't happy, I'm just waiting for divorce to come up. Just the thought rips me apart inside, but it's inevitable.
My grandparents on both sides only stay together out of dependency and habit at this point, there's no longer even affection. My aunts and uncle and cousins are all divorced and constantly jumping from person to person. Even super religious people that I know have had problems that included manipulation and adultery. I've grown up in a world where marriage is just something you do because it sounds fun, divorce isn't a big deal and it's fine if 80% of the children in my extended family are constantly passed around from mom to dad and back again. There's no love there.
Once, I wrote down 100 reasons why relationships are a bad idea. I got almost every single idea from watching my parents or my younger sister, who has jumped on the marriage bandwagon and will be a wife this year at some point. I can look back on my list and still agree with everything that I wrote. Love doesn't exist, i think, is my first reason.
So, I dunno why I wrote all of this, I guess I needed to vent. My dad just told my mom he hasn't been happy in a long time, and I know she's upset about it, but she's not an affectionate person and is very opinionated and somewhat aggressive in her views , so I know she wont be able to fix it. And my dad tries, I know that he does try to make this sham work, but every hug or kiss he gives her, she shies away from. The other day he told her that he loved her, and she said "yeah".
That's not love. I can't blame it all on my mom, my dad's very hard to live with. He's dramatic and over emotional, they just don't mesh. The only reason they stayed together and considered marriage was because my mom got pregnant with me. I know that, we all do, but she denies it over and over again. I wish she would be honest.
So. There we go. "Love" isn't real, so it isn't worth it. I'm not going to try, I don't accept dates and I don't plan on ever doing so. Marriage is out of the question now and forever, so all I can do is try to move out on my own and depend on myself to make me happy. Because no one else is ever going to be able to do it.
Monday, March 4, 2013
This is me.
What can I say about myself. I'm not too terribly fond of people, I'm awkward and a little dorky. I'm a Brony and I like anime. I read a lot, write a lot, draw a lot and spend a lot of time online. Yes I DO have a social life... kind of.
I'm Twenty three years older, bisexual, single and I'm glad to stay that way right now. My last relationship let me a little emotionally scarred, stranded with an eating disorder and a dislike for all things religious. I'm over it all though. I eat healthfully, I'm joyously a part of the Pagan faith and I don't harbor any ill feelings to other religions. Hm, what else?
Cats are amazing, I have a Rottweiler named Mojo Jojo, like on the powerpuff girls. Three pugs, Pixi, Dozer and Emma. My cats are named Marie, Fuzz, Baby Monster, Cali and Izzy. I have two chickens, Daisy and Ginger and a guinna pig named Georgia... and no I'm not an animal hoarder.
The only reason I have all of these pets is because I have room for them. I live in a rural area in the mountains of California, basically it's like a farm, there's a barn and cows and everything, but they belong to the family, not to me.
My family's great for the most part, everyone has their issues
. I'm not 100% sure what I'm going to do with this blog, I just know that I had to delete my old one if I was going to have any hope of kicking my eating disorder to the curb. So... here we go.
I'm Twenty three years older, bisexual, single and I'm glad to stay that way right now. My last relationship let me a little emotionally scarred, stranded with an eating disorder and a dislike for all things religious. I'm over it all though. I eat healthfully, I'm joyously a part of the Pagan faith and I don't harbor any ill feelings to other religions. Hm, what else?
Cats are amazing, I have a Rottweiler named Mojo Jojo, like on the powerpuff girls. Three pugs, Pixi, Dozer and Emma. My cats are named Marie, Fuzz, Baby Monster, Cali and Izzy. I have two chickens, Daisy and Ginger and a guinna pig named Georgia... and no I'm not an animal hoarder.
The only reason I have all of these pets is because I have room for them. I live in a rural area in the mountains of California, basically it's like a farm, there's a barn and cows and everything, but they belong to the family, not to me.
My family's great for the most part, everyone has their issues
. I'm not 100% sure what I'm going to do with this blog, I just know that I had to delete my old one if I was going to have any hope of kicking my eating disorder to the curb. So... here we go.
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